the confessions of a 21st century Asian American:
reconstruction//ruin//release
WRITTEN BY RACHEL XU
every night on channel 6
another hate crime headlight lies prone
across the screen, blaring sirens
and barricade tape flashing “CAUTION”
for the viewers but powerless to
prevent the attack, to disentangle
the CCTV footage before the race bait
flew from their lips, or before the
dirty leather boot slammed into
their senescent ribs – onlookers
present yet stationary, there to look
then turn away but never to act.
‘what a shame’ the newsmen say,
‘possibly race-motivated’ the sheriff dismisses
my family watches in bloated reticence
and continues picking at our now-cold dishes.
.
.
afterwards, when I wash my face
or scrub my thick-skinned fingers,
sometimes I can’t help but scrutinize
the mirrored figure, wonder if I could
take these hands and peel away
my Tuscan yellow skin like
noxious wallpaper, just to repaint with
a fancy alabaster matte finish; then
perform rough-hewn rhinoplasty –
grope and mold my flat, oversized nose
in a V-shaped uptilt jutting with the overcooked
privilege that comes with store-bought genetics.
soon, I reshape my brown “squinty” slits
into blue eagle eyes, ovular innocence of
plastered American girl dolls, but
sharp with reproval and enshrouded disgust.
crease my vapid, flat skin
into pristine double eyelids
plastic surgery for the soul,
aesthetic reparations for some
existential sin; a damned birthright
for being born alien instead of white/right,
for using chop-sticks instead of stones
to hurl slurs and false niceties
down our throats, or on the street,
in our schools, behind closed doors and
while walking down chapel halls.
it is not self-loathing nor repulsion –
rather, it is fear
real, palpable unease
thrumming like motor engines beneath
the surface of our white lies,
dipped in faux understanding
every time we catch their side-eyed revulsion
pejoratives entangled in insular insecurity
for those who look & speak like the “other”
here, we are the brown and yellow
sheep
in a black and white flock
corralled towards the barren outskirts
cleaved together and apart
from the ethnic fabric of this country,
a diasporic collage of broken English and foreign accents
of yearning to smash the picket fence facade
yell “THIS ISN’T RIGHT” into a vast void
of casual indifference
to make them see us
as flesh and blood intermingled into one collective spirit,
unable to be sundered through by any forms of
prejudice
or expulsion
or otherwise.
no, we were not born with hatred
for our skin, our faces, our speech;
it is your cold rejection that made it so,
and it is only the calloused unraveling of
nylon-twined miscommunication
that can mend bridges for our fractured communities,
reignite the anaerobic flame of conversation,
and bear acceptance for the reflections in our mirrors.